Day Three:

Peanut butter. I've decided it's my new favorite thing.  It's 4:50 a.m. and I'm eating a spoonful, along with a clementine, because I couldn't stay one more minute in bed. Interestingly enough, I didn't feel like I was hit by a truck when I got up and headed downstairs for a snack.  Hmmmm.... could this be?  A cure?  The glass has to be half full, I know.... I am trying to change my pessimism here. It's quite difficult when all I keep thinking about are new things to mourn.  Like when my Ben, my sweet, loving, but sometimes clueless hubby, came out of the blue at 11:00 last night with the word "calamari," which sent me into tears.  He's trying to mourn with me, I know, but it only keeps reminding me of the favorite (ohhhh, the favorite!!!!!!!) things I can no longer enjoy in the way I used to.  But I have to remember he means well, and we'll get through this as long as I keep on communicating to him, and everybody else, what I need.

This morning, when I woke up HUNGRY, my first thought was my two little girls asleep in their beds. I started to cry because I felt overwhelmingly sad. (There's that term "overwhelmed" again, sorry!)  Yes, it's great that this disease can cure me. Absolutely, I know I will be (and am) thankful for that.  But what about what's lost? I can't help but think about it. My two beautiful girls and the time that we've had since I've been home with them.  How many opportunities were missed because I had to rest, or couldn't wake up in the morning after too many hours of sleep? "Mommy, how are you feeling today?" my Lauren now asks me every morning.  It's almost too painful to think about. I am grateful that I haven't had to work full time during this time, as I have had soooo many snuggles with my babies, and too many good times to count. Plus, I don't know if I could have physically handled it. But at the same time, why did my girls have to pay a price, too, for this disease? I want to rewind the clock for them, and give them all of me, not just the pieces they have gotten. In eight months they will be off to school full time, and even though it isn't my fault, I can't keep the thought out of my mind that I've wasted all of the precious time I've had with them. I guess it's going to take some more time... some more acceptance... and definitely some more peanut butter. 

Okay.... A juicer. A breadmaker. A new attitude. Those are the three things I've decided I need on day three. I'm still starving all of the time, and I have no desire to eat (except in the middle of the night, apparently). It's almost like my body is protesting against this new diagnosis. Nothing, and I mean nothing, sounds appealing to me. Not even popcorn, which, if you know me is quite shocking, since it's pretty much a staple in my diet.  I've done some research, and I'm amazed to learn that being hungry all the time is a normal and quite common reaction for a person with Celiac who has just gone gluten-free. Honestly, I was hoping that when I put the terms "celiac, diet, starving all the time" into Google, I would get a million hits on medical sites that would tell me that it meant my Celiac test was a false positive, and that if I was hungry all the time I must add gluten back into my diet. Too bad I'm not off the hook. Instead, I got a lot of sites that described just exactly what I'm going through. Hmph. This is a little scary for me because it means this disease is real now.  Apparently my body is trying to make up for the time it wasn't properly absorbing the nutrients from food. I have so many questions....  Dare I say that I think this means I am on my way (turtle steps) to acceptance?

You are probably wondering about my dinner last night... well, let's just say that it was the best meal I've had since becoming gluten-free. I know that doesn't say much, but it should.  It was a fabulous meal. I had my own menu, and despite the little GF in the corner, no one would suspect a thing! There were two whole pages of food choices, and I am happy to report that everything from start to finish was pretty darn tasty. The bread was a little different, but still good, and my salad, pasta, and flourless chocolate cake did the trick. I'm sure the two glasses of wine helped a little, but who cares... the point is, I enjoyed my meal. Hooray! Thanks, Mom....my GirlFriend and GlutenFree date.  I feel happier today, knowing that 1. I have leftovers for dinner tonight, and 2. I can go out to dinner once in a while and actually enjoy it.  Phew! Nevermind the bill, and the fact that two hours after I got home I was STARVING, AGAIN!!!!!!!

P.S. Spell check. The word Celiac comes up as a misspelled word.  Pretty funny because the word becomes highlighted in BRIGHT YELLOW and stays that way until you fix it. Thanks for the GLARING REMINDER! Some of my choices to fix it are: Celia, Celka, Celtic, Celina, Celeriac. Maybe I'll start to refer to it as Celka Disease. Get with the program, Google!!!!